Kidundated!

4 Tricks to Make Kids Listen

Eric Matas — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 21:48:00 GMT

In my last blog post, “Who Else Wants Their Kids to Listen”, I shared a particularly frustrating situation for me. I get straitjacket crazy when my kids don’t put on their shoes so we can get out of the house.

The repeated scenario inspired my deep musing about how to get kids to listen better. Could I send them to a training class? Perhaps there is a DVD they could watch? Maybe there is a seminar marketed by Donald Trump? These sound absurd. The more I think about methods to teach better listening skills to kids, the more I realize a disheartening reality.

There is no way to teach kids to listen.

Don’t worry. We don't need to sell them to crusty pirates just yet. There is hope. And the hope comes from my friend technology. Besides writing and bossing my kids around, I have another passion: computers. And it just so happens that toddlers are like personal computers.

Both are infinitely capable and often surprisingly quick. But they also have their slow times and can even completely freeze up. They impress us with what they can do, but frustrate us with what they can’t. It’s not fair, but when toddlers and computers show us a glimpse of their potential, we expect it all the time. We can easily forget that toddlers still need to grow up and that computers still need upgrades.

Our experience with computers during the slower functioning times might be less painful. After all, we can yell at computers with no affect on the system. We can sigh and roll our eyes without long-term emotional damage. We can see a visual cue—the hourglass icon, for instance—that tells us the computer is busy processing. So, we wait, knowing additional input like clicking and typing will NOT help matters. And, final straw, we can reboot the stubborn machine and hope for better response time after it starts up again.

Odd as it may seem, picturing a busy icon on my child’s forehead really helps. It triggers a little patience. That is tip #1, and here is the complete list of 4 Tricks to Make Kids Listen:

#1 Please Be Patient While We Process Your Request – It’s silly, but visualizing that "busy" hourglass icon helps me to be patient while my children process my input. It keeps me from overwhelming the kids with more input. Just as I refrain from excessive clicking and typing when my computer is busy, I hold back more commands to give the toddler time to think.

#2 Tone and Non-Verbals Count – Even a frustrated sigh can disrupt the processing time. It’s no secret that toddlers are heavily affected by the psychological emphasis in language: the end point. I learned as a baby-sitter how to manipulate young kids using this phenomenon. If I wanted some relief by way of a video, I would ask, “What do you want to do next: play with toys, eat dinner, or watch a video?”

That end-position is naturally emphatic and toddlers are especially affected by that, barely able to keep any option but the last in their minds. So, while a kid is processing a command, even the slightest exasperated head tilt can disrupt the thinking—because that gesture of disappointment is the new last communication and becomes foremost in their minds. Similarly, the tone used to speak a command can disrupt listening. I think the tone trumps the message. Whatever the command, a harsh tone will trump it. The harsh tone triggers emotions which dearly affect processing time.

#3 Try No Commands – My twins have recently fallen in love with me. They are all about Daddy! these days. This affection is great when I come home and get wonderful hugs. But it makes leaving tough. They see me put on a coat and they start rebelling, whining, crying or grabbing for me. And sometimes, they head to the door and grab their shoes. They are geniuses! Except that they aren’t going with me.

Still, the fact that they know the steps needed to get going means that I do not need to tell them at all. Telling and commanding are so often met with sassiness and insubordination that I wonder if the nature of commanding is the cause of resistant behavior. (After all, I resist when people tell me what to do, and I was once a toddler.) Instead of commands, try a quiz-like prompt, “We have to go, but what do we need to do first?” Kids respond well because they like to show parents what they know.

#4 Find Your Zen – Guidance that is anywhere near spiritual is often not received well. When I say, “Find your Zen,” you could dismiss the idea because you don’t have time for meditation poses and lotus flowers. I don’t have time for that either. But I can step outside of the frustrating moment and see it as if I were an observer.

How many times have you witnessed a parent-child conflict and thought that you could help? That you knew a better way to handle the situation? It happens to me all the time. Because I am not that parent and therefore not emotionally invested in the conflict, I can see it better and also see ways out of the conflict that the parent cannot. (But, FYI, stay away from an angry parent. They won't like your sage advice.)

When I am running late and barking out commands to rally the family and get going, I am emotionally invested in a goal. I am stuck on a desire (or two, or three) to reach my destination. In that frame of mind, I will push and push and get fired-up at any obstacle. I must get to grandpa’s!

I find my Zen by giving up those desires. You’ve heard that phrase, “If you love somebody, let them go.”

I’m advising, “If you want something, let it go.”

It is possible to let go of desire and thereby get out of the moment. You get perspective. You get that opportunity to see the parent-child conflict from the distance that allows you to see better ways out of it.

It's probably apparent by now that my tricks focus on the parents. It's just easier to control yourself.

And we don't need to be disheartened by the reality that we cannot teach toddlers to listen. We don't need to. They already know how and will get better if we let them. So, find a way to trigger some patience, use a caring tone, make a game of it, or find your Zen and you will be happier with your computer and your kids.

Twinsanity

Betsey Matas — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 03:32:00 GMT

Much like my beloved husband wrote, I really want my children to listen. I want to voice a request and have it understood and followed the first time. I do not want to talk to a wall. I do not want to spend my days as the personification of insanity, always saying the same things while expecting a different result.

How can that be? You may ask. You have the ability to change the results. True, but I am at a loss as to how.

Here is an example of a typical conversation (or rather monologue) between me and my delightful twins who’s mission in life is to either climb, break or throw everything in their presence.

ME: Stop hitting your brother.

THEM: (stop, look at me, raise truck to hit brother).

ME: Stop hitting your brother (takes truck) No No!

THEM: (cry, look around for another truck, run after offending brother)

ME: (intercepting offender) No! We don’t hit. Hitting hurts! Let’s play (get bonked on the head with a truck by former victim) OW! NO NO! Time out.

THEM: giggle giggle.

ME: Come over here (dragging bodies) Sit. Hitting is naughty. Sit til the timer dings.

THEM: giggle giggle.

(timer dings)

ME: Good job. Now, be nice!

THEM: (hug each other and rub the other’s head in their “nice” motion)

ME: That’s right. Good boys! Let’s build a tower of blocks!

THEM: (Grabbing blocks) giggle giggle. WAHHH!!

ME: (sigh) Stop hitting your brother

So, what do I do? These boys are perpetual motion machines who get a kick out of beating on each other one minute and loving each other the next.

Do I just ignore their behavior and chalk it up to their puppy like qualities or do I step in with harsher consequences? Or do I surrender to the fact that I will likely be institutionalized by the time these two come of rational thinking age and it therefore really doesn’t matter what I do…I guess it’s something only time will tell!

Who Else Wants Their Kids to Listen?

Eric Matas — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 19:38:00 GMT

"If you don't go downstairs and put on your shoes, NOW, we will never get out of this house and we'll miss dinner at grandpa's. Go. Now."

Ah, yes, every parent recognizes the "miss-out consequence" plea. We think the children will understand what they will miss and therefore snap to and get ready, out the door and into the car. I've tried it many times. After all, it's logical. Deductive; see:

All families that can't get shoes on--can't get out of the house.
Our family can't get shoes on.
Therefore, our family can't get out of the house.

Stay with me, here. There is another link in the cause and effect chain:

All families that can't get out of the house--miss dinner at grandpa's.
Our family can't get out of the house. (See above!)
Therefore, our family will miss dinner at grandpa's.

Perhaps my kids would understand my logic better if I wrote it like a math teacher:

OK, I know this logic is crazy. Many of my adult writing students don't "get" logic, especially when written in mathematical notation. So why do I keep thinking my toddlers will get it?

Truthfully, I imagine that my son does not even hear me when I try to motivate him with that beautifully logical consequences speech. See, he has Spider Man shoes. So when I say, "Hey--we have to go. Get your shoes on," he is suddenly thinking one thing and one thing only: Spider Man.

Getting ready, moving out the door, walking to the car, buckling car seats, driving 15 miles, seeing grandpa and eating dinner--are not even on his radar.

When I see him doing nothing related to shoes, I escalate to sharp staccato commands, "Kyan. Shoes. Now." And he'll lolly-gag toward the front door thinking: Spider Man.

Next thing I know, the little boy is distracted by a sippy cup and a sudden, desperate thirst. At points like this I am getting freakishly enraged, "I WILL GET YOU WATER WHEN YOU HAVE PUT ON YOUR SHOES." I force a smile and the salesman's head nod.

Even in this state, veins popping in my head, I believe the small man will see the connection. If he gets on his shoes (Spider Man), he will get the reward of a cool beverage. I really think he will get his eyes on the prize and focus on Velcro-strapping those shoes on.

Instead, I hear his whine in a familiar staccato cadence, "I. Want. Juice."

Of course he does. After several minutes of Spider Man fantasies, who could think that water would do the trick?

These are the times that I want to thank the part or parts of my brain that stop me from shoving sippy cups into unmentionable places. And I want to thank the parts of my brain that learn from my many, many mistakes as a parent. (By the way, is there a spot in the record books for most mistakes?)

I have learned, luckily, and I will share tried and true tips to get those kids to listen. But not now. I've put you through too much already. I will follow-up with the tips in a few days.

I can tell you this, though: not only will your kids' listening improve, your relationship with your computer will improve too. No extra charge. (Spider Man.)

Update: the tips are posted: 4 Tricks to Make Kids Listen.

I'm a Mean, Mean Mommy

Betsey Matas — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 15:13:00 GMT

It has been brought to my attention by my lovely children that I am a Mean, Mean Mommy sometimes. When prompted as to why I am so horrid, I am usually treated to blank stares and a startling lack of response leading me to ponder this question myself.

What do I do to my children that is so offensive to deserve the screams and tears that they produce on a regular basis?

Do I chain them up in the basement and deny them food?

Uh, no.

Do I whoop them with a belt or a switch of their choosing when naughty?

Nope.

My offenses are much more mundane but seemingly frequent. The following are a sampling of the abuse that I have inflicted on my children today. Read with caution.

Made people take off their pajamas to leave the house.
Would not allow torn, too small tights to be worn with a too short dress simply because it was too Amy Winehouse for a 5 year old.
Cut the twins off from “num-nums” after their 3^rd breakfast.
Confiscated a kitchen shears that was being used to cut a graham cracker.
Changed pooey diapers before they had a chance to cause a raging case of Monkey Butt and thus interrupting play and general destruction.
Gave time outs for sibling on sibling abuse.
Insisted on some semblance of hygiene by enforcing the “if you wore it yesterday and slept in it you can’t wear it again today even if you’re toasty” law.
Allowed the baby to cry for more than two seconds while I ate breakfast much to the shock and horror of the big kids (overheard: “don’t worry she really does love you, she’s just busy.”).
Prematurely ended an early morning fashion show when it reached the 1 hr mark.
Limited the pre-noon donut/treat/candy/sweet intake to 4 per child.

With that I will leave you so that you may recover from your shock and horror at my cruelty.

Buddy-isms!

Betsey Matas — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 17:01:00 GMT

There are days when life with all these kids gets a little difficult. Days when ears don’t work and voices work too well. Days when listening is a foreign concept and days when I feel like calling in Super Nanny to save the day.

These are the days when I need to remember the cute things that make having kids enjoyable and worthwhile. My favorites right now are what I like to call Buddy-isms, completely random, unprompted sayings--kidioms--that could only come from our little Buddy.

Here are some little snippets straight from Kyan’s mouth that are enough to make the worst day a little better because they are so dang cute. Enjoy!

“When I cry my heart breaks a little and then a little guy crawls in and fixes it with his tools and I stop crying.”

“My heart changed my mind.”

“My eyes want my big boy bed but my tummy wants my Elmo bed.”

“My heart loves candy, but my brain doesn’t.”

“I can’t go to sleep because I have toys in my eyes.”

“My brain is scaried of the shadows of monsters in my room.”

“Can you play with me at your work Teacher Sherry?” (asked to his teacher during play time)

“My ice cream sandwich is hiding in my tummy.”

“My tummy is hungry for something with a hole in it. A donut maybe?"

New Matas Baby Boy Born 3am

Eric Matas — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 13:43:00 GMT

While everyone else was sleeping last night, Betsey and I stayed up and delivered a baby. Maxwell Eliot was born just shy of 3am at 2:57 on October 27, 2009. Happy Birthday Max!

He weighed in at 7 pounds 8 ounces and measured 20 inches head to toes. I was able to get these cell phone pics uploaded to the blog, but we'll have better photos from a real camera once we're home and after some sleep!

According to the words I put into the nurse's mouth, Max is the most handsome baby she has ever seen delivered at Southdale Hospital in Edina, Minnesota. We couldn't be more proud. Or more tired.

Max will not be getting a time-out since it is his birthday, but he will soon learn the sleep regimen of the Matas household. I hope.

Dad was a half hour late on the clock picture -- it's our 5th baby, and I just get swept away by the cuteness!

We really like the one eye open pirate look. Arrg, welcome to the world, Max.

I Survived Swine Flu

Eric Matas — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 02:02:00 GMT

Here are some t-shirt ideas:

H1N1 -- I1!
My family survived swine flu and all I got was this crummy t-shirt.

Yes, our house was just visited by the so called Swine Flu, also known as H1N1, and recently pronounced Hini (hiney) Flu by Jay Leno. Pronouncing H1N1 as "hiney" does offer a glimpse into certain side effects of the flu.

H1N1 is so prevalent right now that most people are expected to just stay home and deal with it. Only severe cases should require a doctor or hospital--such as uncontrollable high fever or difficulty breathing.

We have one pregnant mom and two kids under two (our twin boys), and they fall into a high-risk group (along with very old flu victims and children under five). So, they did get special attention.

The twins got TAMIFLU and antibiotics for ear infections. My wife got TAMIFLU, I.V. fluids, and some time on the internal fetal monitor to check our soon-to-be-born son's heart rate and to make sure he wasn't going to pop out right then and there.

D_Diagram_of_swine_flu_symptoms_EN.svg">Image via D_Diagram_of_swine_flu_symptoms_EN.svg">Wikipedia

When I picked-up the prescriptions for TAMIFLU for the twins (20 months old), I found out that the liquid children's version is on back-order! So I waited while the pharmacists made us a liquid version out of the adult tablets. The next day at Target, while shopping for over the counter medicine to help with fever, I was surprised to find the Tylenol and Advil shelves completely cleaned out. I knew a lot of people must be suffering the same as our family.

For us, the sore throat plagued the adults and the high fever hit the younger kids. Our 3 1/2 year old boy and 5 1/2 year old girl had minor fevers and symptoms. But the worst, for us, was the hoarse, dry, persistent cough. While sleeping or trying to sleep, the coughing would get so violent that it would wake us up. So, sleep was hard to come by.

Nonetheless, we survived. Ha! And now I am a little full of myself--hence the pompous t-shirt ideas. Really, though, we are glad to be alive. It was kind of fun to be sick together as a family. We bonded in snot and hacking phlegm. Maybe we won't need a vacation for a while!

Good luck battling the H1N1 if it comes your way. Let me know about your experiences with this flu.

If you get the soar throat, I recommend ginger. You can cut a small bit of the ginger root and chew it in your mouth for a minute or two, and swallow those healing juices. Then spit out the ginger root instead of swallowing it. Or, shred the ginger root, finely, into a pot of water and boil. Strain the tea through cheese cloth, or just a paper towel, and sip lovely ginger tea, which is said to heal your mouth, throat, esophagus and stomach.

If you have other tips and remedies, please post them in the comments.

Kindergarten Students Need Home Offices

Eric Matas — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 02:02:00 GMT

Image by Brandon (danger_boy_13) via Flickr

There is a deep dark secret about kindergarten that nobody wants you to know. You'll only find out as the parent of a kindergartener and only after a few weeks have gone by. Then it's too late. You're stuck.

At first, you get a couple sheets of paper sent home with your child. Truly, you are more concerned with your child's adjustment to school than by these papers. After the first few days and even into the first couple of weeks, the notifications and permission slips and other paperwork and handouts seem OK. A lot, yes, but you just think it will slow down once the initiation is over.

No such luck.

Sending your child to kindergarten is a part time job. A volunteer effort for which the task is endless paperwork and worry over the importance of each "official" document.

We have come to the conclusion that our kindergarten daughter needs a home office. She needs her own filing cabinets, file folders, three-hole punch and desk chair on wheels. And we parents will be the ones hunched over the miniature furniture fretting as we sign and date our permission for this and that.

We'll probably need a shredder.

via furniturestoreblog.com

I hope they create a Facebook page soon. So I can become a fan of this kindergarten class. Then I can read event posts online and simply click the thumbs-up "like" icon to send my approval. And this home office better be deductible.

Googling Naughty

Eric Matas — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 04:18:00 GMT

Image via CrunchBase

I create elearning for my job. I make videos, movies, tutorials, CBTs (computer-based training), WBTs (web-based training), or whatever it is we eventually agree to call these things. And, I've got four kids.

So, naturally, I googled the term naughty.

Let me explain. Betsey and I had a successful parenting day on Saturday, urging our oldest (5 1/2) to improve her behavior with our calm spirits and consistent voices. And a few time-outs thrown in the mix. We were imagining our award from Parenting Magazine during one of the quiet time-outs, when the elearning teacher in me had an "Aha" moment.

Why not create a little module for the kids? Why not use the vast tools of technology and web 2.0 to show my little girl the difference between naughty and nice behavior? Yes indeed. So I fired up Google and started to find images for my video.

I found some nice emotion pictures--we want our daughter to talk about feelings instead of acting-out, confused by the emotions. Then I found some good pictures of fighting--yeah, our kids do that. But it was when I googled naughty--with the search engine set to images--that the real fun began.

Let's just say that not all the pictures were of Santa Clause checking his list. There were three things I was thankful for right away.

I wasn't at work.
My wife didn't walk in.
I googled something else before the kids ran into the room.

I've just realized how that last item can be interpreted in a few ways. I'll clear it up: I searched a new term: time-outs.

Santa GIF via cdump06

I Need a Mom-cation!

Betsey Matas — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 00:12:00 GMT

As Eric was packing for his four day excursion into the exciting land of e-learning training, I was struck by the ease with which he is able to leave for extended periods of time with little to no effect on the household. Sure, they notice that he’s gone at night and wax poetically about all of the fun things Daddy would do with them if he were home. But, realistically, we go about business as usual.

Me? I can’t go out to dinner without peeling a crying child off of me first and shutting the door to cries of, “Mommy! Don’t go!!”

This is a rather unfortunate issue since one of my goals that I would like to accomplish in the next 8 weeks before I add another clingy one to my life is a couple days free of children.

The thought of Eric sitting in a hotel room with nothing but peace, quiet and an internet accessible laptop with him is enough to make me green with envy. Sure he’s there for “work,” but once those 8-4 hours are completed, he is left with pure, sweet freedom. Fortunately the thought of me having to actually do the work that is involved in getting this grand reward, (i.e. traveling by myself to strange small towns, speaking in front of new people, doing anything unfamiliar and or/uncomfortable…) is enough to take the edge off the jealousy, but it still leaves the fantasy!

Oh, what would I do with a full nights sleep? A quiet evening to myself? A free “expanded” continental breakfast? Or, dare I say it, room service??

I tell you what I’d do; I’d suck up every last minute of the blissful luxury and come back a happier, refreshed mommy who had enough time missing her kids to remember how to fully enjoy them again.

Perhaps with this fourth and final labor and delivery I’ll use my most painful contractions as leverage to rework my Mommy contract so that it includes a travel clause …even if travel doesn’t take me further than the next city over!

3 Twitter Tools for Blogging Parents

Eric Matas — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 01:58:00 GMT

If there was a field of wild flowers atop a grassy hill on which Twitter could run, in slow motion, with open arms toward a similarly open-armed, slow-motion running passionate lover, that lover would be me.

I've tried to do the middle school guy thing and play it cool. But this is officially my love note to Twitter (that I will have my best friend deliver for me). *Blush*

I sort of admitted it already in a recent tweet that steals a hysterical phrase from a Saturday Night Live skit--the one in which Christopher Walken wants more cow bell.

For new and emerging Twitter fans, and for the ceritifed twitteraholics, here are three great tools to help you get the most of your Twitter experience. These tools will save you time and enhance your blogging and micro blogging.

TwiTip - a blog on all things Twitter, helping you know what to do and what NOT to do. TwiTip comes from Darren Rowse (@ProBlogger) from ProBlogger Blog Tips.

Tweet Adder - a "set it and forget it" tool that can do techy work for you, so you can focus on writing fun micro messages. Tweet Adder is like having a social media assistant.

Featured Users - an easy way to get yourself out there in the Twitter community. Ideal for bloggers and website owners. Very ideal for anyone who is branding themselves, a blog, or a business. And who isn't?

Even though there are tools and advice out there, remember to have fun with the trial-and-error nature of new tools like Twitter. Just call the first year your beta version. And remember to follow me @tweric!

Oh, and I've written about it here and here, but once again, the best book out about Twitter is Twitterville by Shel Israel. If you read one book about social media, global communities and Twitter, read Twitterville.

Daddy's Back to Work Today!

Betsey Matas — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 15:11:00 GMT

Daddy’s back to work today, work today, work today,

Daddy’s back to work today.

Yaaaaay, Daddy!

For the past five days my beloved husband, better known as Daddy or the Mayor of the Family Room, has been home lending moral support to those of us suffering from Back to School separation anxiety (ie. Me). Today he returned to his cube to once again change the lives of millions one Power Point presentation at a time and I am somewhat relieved.

While it has been nice having an extra person around to dry the tears or ease the burden of carpools, I am much too much a creature of habit to have it last any longer. With an extra person around schedules are changed and routines are disrupted. This can’t last too long in my world without me going a little panicky– not that I’m a control freak or anything…

Routines and schedules are what make me able to function in an efficient manner. Without them, I tend to wander from room to room, wondering what I should be doing next, often doing nothing at all. I liken it to me showing up at my husband’s office for a few days. While I wouldn’t be directly in his way, my presence would likely throw him off his game and, as Thomas the Train’s faithful leader Sir Topham Hatt would say, cause confusion and delay.

So here’s to vacation time. May it be available when we need it, but over when it might drive us all nutty.

My Super Hero Dad Power

Eric Matas — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 04:43:00 GMT

In Minnesota, it is hard to approach Labor Day without going to the State Fair. The State Fair has food booths galore, rides for the kids, and thousands of things to see like cows, pigs, horses, tractors, off-road vehicles, Wii tents, hip-hop break dancers, college representatives, TV and radio studios, and millions of other fair goers.

We met a mama pig who almost had as many off-spring as we do. The little one on the end was so cute, asleep at the teat -- adorable, blissful post-eating baby sleep. (But after the picture was taken, the mama pig woke him up by kicking him in the back -- That's not for your sleeping comfort, pal, eat or get off!)

At the fair, in the warm summer sun, after visiting the dairy barn and then buying delicious ice cream (which we did not eat in front of the cows), I learned one of my super powers.

You've probably thought about what your super power would be. Flying? Invisibility? Super strength? It's a good ice-breaker to go around a room and have everyone pick a super power.

As a parent, I often wish I could just make the whole house quiet with the snap of my fingers.

As it turns out, I discovered I have the super ability to save melting ice cream cones. Even when busy with my own delicious, fresh ice cream shake, I keenly observed my son growing concerned about his cone as it melted and threatened to drip.

I dashed in. With lightning quick, pneumatic tongue action, I saved the cone. And the day.

Obviously, I have been thinking about other uses, perhaps life-saving or crime-fighting, for my ability. Which I am shy and humble about. For now, I will continue to seek out melting ice cream cones and save the day. For the kids.

In a related Minnesota State Fair story, when I fearlessly brought a bucket of Sweet Martha's Cookies to my resting family, tired from hours at the fair, they snapped to, ran over, grabbed cookies and experienced sheer ecstasy.

I don't think this is another super power. Just about anyone can get Sweet Martha's Cookies. They even want to connect on Facebook.

Maybe I should make a super hero dad page on Facebook...

My First Day of Kindergarten

Betsey Matas — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 17:12:00 GMT

This was originally posted on the Minneapolis Star Tribune Cribsheet blog, but since I'd really like some feedback on other parent's experiences I thought I'd cross post it here!

I am officially ready for my first day of Kindergarten. After 3 grueling months of thinking about it every day, I am finally ready to take the plunge. In less than 48 hours I will stand at the classroom door, wave goodbye and take my first steps towards independence and a new phase in life. I will calmly attach my nametag, smile at my peers and try to appear as if I know what I am doing and pretend that I am happy to be there, all while thinking I would really like to be at home cuddling to the Disney channel.

Yes, in less than 48 hours, I will officially be the mother of a Kindergartener and the prospective member of the PTA.

Sending my first baby off to Kindergarten after 5 ½ years of having her all to myself is both a blessing and a heart wrenching change. While I have watched her grow increasingly independent, capable and, most importantly, bored, I know that she is ready for this new phase of life. She is ready to take on new challenges, meet new people and experience a world formerly foreign and completely exciting to her.

Problem is, I’m not.

It seems that I have grown quite used to our time together. Routines and friendships were built around my firstborn’s needs and now it’s time to let that go in favor of the more structured scheduling that school provides. To meet other parent’s in this new and scary world I will have to sign up for committees, attend meetings…be productive, as opposed to sitting on my butt complaining about all things Mommy. I will have to act like an adult and contribute to the school’s mission, pretending all the time to care about fundraisers and parties and planning…in short, all things completely uninteresting to me.

I will do this to bond with the new era of school age parents.

I will do this all with the familiar nervous twitch in my face, butterflies in my stomach and angst in my head that have accompanied social situations since my own introduction to kindergarten 23 years ago.

I will do this while simultaneously starting all over with my younger children. Gone will be the familiar ease of playgroups and ECFE classes where I knew everybody. I will now be the new girl again, the one who needs to break into the cliques, the one who needs to be engaging and fun, the one who needs to do all the work to get included.

I am dreading the idea of entering this world again.

Bonding with other mothers is not something that comes easy to me. As a committed introvert and cynic, I have trouble initiating interactions, but I am hoping that now that I am “experienced,” it will help to break the ice. But I am also worried that this same experience could separate me further from the new mother crowd that I will likely be entering.

Since I have been fully entrenched in Mommy World for the past five years adding not one but 3 more kids to the picture (while currently incubating a fourth), I worry that I will not be able to relate to the conversation and concerns that bonded me to the Mommies of old. I also worry that the sheer number of kids I have will greatly detract from our desirability as playdate companions. After all, I wouldn’t be eager to open my house to a 3 year old, 18 month destructive twins and a newborn--would you?

As I enter this new phase of life that is simultaneously moving back and forward at the same time, I ask other parents this: How do you make other parent friends? Are any friendships made based more off your children’s needs than your own? Or have you been lucky enough to meet like minded souls whose children just happen to engage with yours?

Please share!

Summer of 2009

Betsey Matas — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 20:52:00 GMT

It’s September 1^st and fall has officially arrived. As I sit, wrapped in a blanket, chilly from 55 degree winds blowing in, I am finding myself somewhat reflective about the past three months.

Although a welcome break from the Minnesota winter lock down, Summer was somewhat of a bust. With my normal manic enthusiasm, I had spent the entire winter planning the fun and exciting things the kids and I would do all summer. In my dreams, we hung out at the park every day, went camping—first in the back yard and then in the real world, we hung out with friends at the pool, had family barbecues and, in short, experienced general summertime bliss.

What really happened was we spent 9,000 hours split between the Matas Backyard Waterpark and the Matas Family Room. It was kids running the hose or endless marathons of Spongebob.

We skipped camping in favor of setting up the tent in a bedroom because, apparently, it was “too hot, too sunny, too buggy and too dirty” in nature. We embraced our inner hermits, joining in a total of only four playdates—ALL SUMMER. (Other adults? What are those?)

We tested the babies’ level of stubbornness by repeatedly trying to get them to enjoy swimming at the “big” pool as opposed to screaming, sitting with their NUKs and cuddlies or eating the entire time.

(Final score? Mom = 1 Babies = 50)

We did have some fun times, too. The big kids found a mutual love of all things trains and have finally learned to play together with minimal fighting. The babies are somewhat less insane and have all but stopped trying to swing from the dining room chandelier…they still like to dance on the table though! And we had a lovely trip to Duluth where Gooseberry Falls was a hit all around.

Even though we didn’t do all the fantabulous things I planned, summer allowed us to rest and recharge. We are now tanned and relaxed, ready to face a fall of “first days” like kindergarten and preschool and very literal first days for a new baby come Halloween.

We’ve got our new backpacks, a mini-van full of car seats and gas and enough scheduled activities to keep the crazies controlled.

Bring it on fall! We’re ready!

(Just keep that nasty winter away as long as you can…)

Mindfield Blog Now Kidundated

Eric Matas — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 17:21:00 GMT

What Happened to Mindfield?

The Mindfield Blog was an interesting way to get started blogging. It was inspired by friends on a “guy’s trip” to Miami, a vacation meant to unite old high school friends who had dispersed all over the country.

At one point during the trip, after hearing from me something in the realm of inappropriate, but stated in the most appropriate way, Matthew Dolon said to me, “Your mind is a mine field.”

That quickly turned into a very nerdy word play session that culminated in a group consensus: You (AKA me...Eric Matas) should start a blog called Mindfield. So I did.

Like many blogs, it seemed to grow and change, and eventually it wanted to be something else. After a year, I was able to get my wife on board. Betsey has now posted more to the blog than I have. She is a prolific and witty writer. Her insights are profound; her understanding of parenting is startling.

My writing changed. Sort of. It still almost offends readers with inappropriate topics that are somehow tolerable. I’ve been told I have a slight, acceptable form of Tourette’s.

I like to think that, like a hemorrhoid, some things normally left secret are such a relief to talk about. Especially itchy things. And all gross kid things like the stuff you find in diapers and, well, in highchairs, under couch cushions, in carpets and under beds.

This blog morphed and needed a new name. So, what used to be mindfieldblog.com is now kidundated.com because we are, after all, inundated with kids. And reading about it is almost like seeing a car crash: the horror is lovely.

A really, really bad poem.

Betsey Matas — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 17:32:00 GMT

There’s nothing to write

when your life is pretty lame

Everyday, just more of the same.

Each day is filled

with tantrums and poo

what oh what is a mommy to do?

New tactics are tried

to entertain all,

even the best efforts end up in a brawl.

The kids scream and cry,

each one for a turn,

never seeming really to learn.

“Don’t push your brother”

and “No! We don’t bite”

are the only calming mantras in my life.

I long for peace

and tranquility too,

but have to make do living in a zoo.

I know it will change,

one day they’ll be grown

and I’ll be alone, harassing them to come home.

Until then,

I’ll embrace the chaotic bliss

Which, in the end, is what I’ll really miss.

Defining Moment

Betsey Matas — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 00:14:00 GMT

Just a short, yet meaningful post today.

On Wednesday, March 18, 2009 at approximately 11:40 am I experienced a defining moment outside of an elementary school while sitting in my minivan.

For those of you not familiar with Dr. Phil's theory of 10 defining moments, take a minute to peruse the following:

Ten Defining Moments: In every person's life, there have been moments, both positive and negative, that have defined and redefined who you are. Those events entered your consciousness with such power that they changed the very core of who and what you thought you were. A part of you was changed by those events, and caused you to define yourself, to some degree by your experience of that event. (courtesy of DrPhil.com)

Today the moment that defined who I am happened while I was sitting in between the middle seats of my minivan, Mc Donald's cup in hand, hair being pulled by a baby, begging an almost 3 year old boy with his Elmo undies around his ankles to please, please, please pee in the cup.

Very few moments in life will show your life's purpose so clearly that even the slightest doubt is impossible.

Requesting, no, rather, begging your child to have a bodily function in an odd place is one of those moments.

This moment made me realize that I am now and always will be a Mommy.

Nickname Negativity

Betsey Matas — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 22:31:00 GMT

We call our kids nicknames, always have, and probably always will. Very rarely do we call our kids their real names, often opting for what seem to be logical derivations in our minds. Brooklyn became Booku. Kyan was Chi-Chi (Eric wanted to call him “Child” in the womb—with a British accent…it quickly became the more accessible Chi-Chi) and the babies have been Morty and George since the 20 week ultrasound when we found out with certainty that they were boys.

We have held true to our impulses even though family has questioned us about our decisions, acquaintances have refused to give in to the nicknames due to the confusion it causes and we have been questioned about our babies seeming inability to answer to their name.

None of this mattered. But now, something is starting to matter.

By his own decision, Kyan has decided that he wants to be called Kychael.

“What’s your name?” Strangers ask him.

“Um, I Kychael. I’m five.” He proudly mumbles back. To which I shrug and indulgently smile at my creative child, secretly pleased that he is taking his own initiative in the nickname brigade.

But, in ironic twist, the initiative that my children are showing is starting to cause a problem. It seems that the most natural derivation/shortening of Kychael is a not so pleasant term.

“Kike! Kikie baby” Brooklyn screams through a store trying to grab her little brother’s attention, much to the dismay/amusement of our fellow shoppers. “Kike, Kike, come here right now!”

As you might now see, this is somewhat of a problem. I am not entirely comfortable with my children running around screaming derogative names at each other as nicknames, but it is hard to squash something that we have so emphatically started.

I’m having trouble thinking of a way to explain why Brooklyn shouldn’t scream this to Kyan in a way that she will a) understand and b)care enough about to listen to. I don’t really feel that a five year old needs a lesson in the crappy way that people treat each other and saying “That’s not a nice thing to say, please don’t” isn’t cutting it.

So, until I figure out a way to avoid this unpleasantness, please know that if you hear a little girl scream “KiKE!!” in public, it is done in complete innocence, much to the embarrassment of her mother.

Love Me, Love My Flakiness

Betsey Matas — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 00:10:00 GMT

As I surveyed the house today, I realized that there are a lot of little things that I have neglected to do in the last few months. They’re just little things, small enough to go unnoticed by the untrained, unthinking eye, but big enough to cause me issue when I see them.

Normally I am somewhat of an obsessive person—the one who always is thinking about 18 things at once. I also believe myself to be a capable person, I mean, I manage to keep four kids and two dogs alive, clean and fed on a regular basis, but there are some things that I just can’t do.

1) I can’t mail things. At this moment there are 15 “Thank You” cards, signed addressed and stamped sitting in the kitchen ready to be mailed…from Christmas.

2) I can’t go to the bank. I am currently using a bank account that is running on fumes, but am still driving around day after day with not one, but three checks waiting to make me less stressed about money, I just can’t drive the extra block or so and deposit them.

3) I can’t get gas in a timely manner. This particular problem has gotten so bad that my older kids know when the fuel gage is running to low (the pesky thing just has to be digital and directly in their line of vision) and they scream and yell for me to stop and get gas when it reaches single digits. For the record, we have yet to completely run out of gas, but when we do, you’ll see me on the side of the road, trying to herd four kids to the nearest gas station while they yell “You should’ve just gotten gas!”

4) I hate making phone calls. I have lists of people that I should call for a multitude of reasons, but each call takes such a preamble of self-talk, that I often run out of quiet time to make the call and instead opt to see if they’ll catch up with the times and get email accessible.

5) I can’t put clothes away. There are currently three baskets of laundry (both folded and not) waiting to be distributed in the basement, but I can’t bring myself to put them away. This is partially reasonable, though (at least I tell myself). They stay neater in the basket. Once they enter the kid’s drawers, there is a cosmic force that causes them to scatter all over the floor until they are deemed dirty and washed again. I chalk this one up to practicality.

6) I can’t keep track of “little things” like drivers licenses and check cards…I always have them stuffed in some pocket somewhere and am just too busy and important (or scatterbrained) to keep track of them. They always turn up somewhere safe, though. The real problem here is that my beloved husband might have a stroke if they continue to turn up missing from him pondering, “WHY DON’T YOU PUT THEM WHERE THEY GO?!” whatever.

I guess my point in sharing this is to assure people that I really do have good intentions…I just lack follow through. I’d like to blame these flaws on the nature of motherhood but, in truth, these have been my faults for as long as I remember.

So, family members and friends generous enough to present us with gifts, we do appreciate you! Know that your thank you notes are written within days of the event (by the children, no less) and that we are not blatantly ignoring you!

And to all the others that are slighted by my selective blond moments? I’ll leave you with my clever phrase that has annoyed many a person close to me, but is true to my heart:

Love me, love my flakiness. It can be a rather endearing quality if you ignore all the irritation it causes...