In my last blog post, “Who Else Wants Their Kids to Listen”, I shared a particularly frustrating situation for me. I get straitjacket crazy when my kids don’t put on their shoes so we can get out of the house.

The repeated scenario inspired my deep musing about how to get kids to listen better. Could I send them to a training class? Perhaps there is a DVD they could watch? Maybe there is a seminar marketed by Donald Trump? These sound absurd. The more I think about methods to teach better listening skills to kids, the more I realize a disheartening reality.

          There is no way to teach kids to listen.

Don’t worry. We don't need to sell them to crusty pirates just yet. There is hope. And the hope comes from my friend technology. Besides writing and bossing my kids around, I have another passion: computers. And it just so happens that toddlers are like personal computers.

Both are infinitely capable and often surprisingly quick. But they also have their slow times and can even completely freeze up. They impress us with what they can do, but frustrate us with what they can’t. It’s not fair, but when toddlers and computers show us a glimpse of their potential, we expect it all the time. We can easily forget that toddlers still need to grow up and that computers still need upgrades.

Our experience with computers during the slower functioning times might be less painful. After all, we can yell at computers with no affect on the system. We can sigh and roll our eyes without long-term emotional damage. We can see a visual cue—the hourglass icon, for instance—that tells us the computer is busy processing. So, we wait, knowing additional input like clicking and typing will NOT help matters. And, final straw, we can reboot the stubborn machine and hope for better response time after it starts up again.

Odd as it may seem, picturing a busy icon on my child’s forehead really helps. It triggers a little patience. That is tip #1, and here is the complete list of 4 Tricks to Make Kids Listen:

#1 Please Be Patient While We Process Your Request – It’s silly, but visualizing that "busy" hourglass icon helps me to be patient while my children process my input. It keeps me from overwhelming the kids with more input. Just as I refrain from excessive clicking and typing when my computer is busy, I hold back more commands to give the toddler time to think.

#2 Tone and Non-Verbals Count – Even a frustrated sigh can disrupt the processing time. It’s no secret that toddlers are heavily affected by the psychological emphasis in language: the end point. I learned as a baby-sitter how to manipulate young kids using this phenomenon. If I wanted some relief by way of a video, I would ask, “What do you want to do next: play with toys, eat dinner, or watch a video?”

That end-position is naturally emphatic and toddlers are especially affected by that, barely able to keep any option but the last in their minds. So, while a kid is processing a command, even the slightest exasperated head tilt can disrupt the thinking—because that gesture of disappointment is the new last communication and becomes foremost in their minds. Similarly, the tone used to speak a command can disrupt listening. I think the tone trumps the message. Whatever the command, a harsh tone will trump it. The harsh tone triggers emotions which dearly affect processing time.

#3 Try No Commands – My twins have recently fallen in love with me. They are all about Daddy! these days. This affection is great when I come home and get wonderful hugs. But it makes leaving tough. They see me put on a coat and they start rebelling, whining, crying or grabbing for me. And sometimes, they head to the door and grab their shoes. They are geniuses! Except that they aren’t going with me.

 
Still, the fact that they know the steps needed to get going means that I do not need to tell them at all. Telling and commanding are so often met with sassiness and insubordination that I wonder if the nature of commanding is the cause of resistant behavior. (After all, I resist when people tell me what to do, and I was once a toddler.) Instead of commands, try a quiz-like prompt, “We have to go, but what do we need to do first?” Kids respond well because they like to show parents what they know.

#4 Find Your Zen – Guidance that is anywhere near spiritual is often not received well. When I say, “Find your Zen,” you could dismiss the idea because you don’t have time for meditation poses and lotus flowers. I don’t have time for that either. But I can step outside of the frustrating moment and see it as if I were an observer.

How many times have you witnessed a parent-child conflict and thought that you could help? That you knew a better way to handle the situation? It happens to me all the time. Because I am not that parent and therefore not emotionally invested in the conflict, I can see it better and also see ways out of the conflict that the parent cannot. (But, FYI, stay away from an angry parent. They won't like your sage advice.)

When I am running late and barking out commands to rally the family and get going, I am emotionally invested in a goal. I am stuck on a desire (or two, or three) to reach my destination. In that frame of mind, I will push and push and get fired-up at any obstacle. I must get to grandpa’s!

I find my Zen by giving up those desires. You’ve heard that phrase, “If you love somebody, let them go.”

I’m advising, “If you want something, let it go.”

It is possible to let go of desire and thereby get out of the moment. You get perspective. You get that opportunity to see the parent-child conflict from the distance that allows you to see better ways out of it.